HBO is so wacked out about the possibility of people watching their show with subscribing to an expensive cable package, that they have all kinds of “failsafes” on the HBOGo streaming app that often prevent legit subscribers like me from watching their shows.

This morning, I logged on to zip through yesterday’s craptastic episode of True Blood and snag some screencaps (because the ones that HBO releases are so nonsensical, I can’t even deal) and I repeatedly got the message that my session had timed out. I couldn’t watch more than a few seconds without getting this error message. So, anyway… you have the jerks at HBO to thank for this post sucking and not having any fabulous pictures.

And… By the way, here’s my little love note to HBO.

Dear HBO,

In case you didn’t realize, there are many, many ways to watch your programming without a subscription—don’t make it so hard for your paying customers. It kind of disincentivizes people from actually, you know, giving you money. I want to give you money—stop making me feel like you hate me and the rest of your paying customers by treating us like pirates.

xoxox,

Sarah

So, we’ve decided… until this season gets its act together and stops sucking, we’re referring to these recaps/analysis as “Snark-Caps.”

(Thanks to Laura for the brilliant name.)

This season is just so ridiculous and convoluted, I have no words to describe its suckitude. I mean, the Orgy Season was pretty bizarre, but at least the story was united under an umbrella of bizarre. This season, is just like a series of random vignettes that have no interconnection. I wonder if they’re working up to something, or if they’re really going for the soap opera-style of storytelling now? Other than the Pam-Eric scenes, the rest of this episode was just full of WTF—and not the awesome kind. I mean, was anyone even shirtless in this episode?!

Obviously, the following “analysis” contains spoilers for Sunday’s episode of True Blood. If you haven’t seen it and want to remain free from spoilage, please don’t continue reading. Instead, I suggest checking out Renegade’s intro to romance novels—she made my to-read pile a whole lot bigger.

Thoughts and Reaction

Hey HBO: Take the “brief” off the nudity in the warning if you want to be accurate. Just say, “Everyone is naked all the time.” I mean, there’s a close-up of a butt in the opening credits. I’m not complaining, just a stickler for accuracy.

Pam is a freaking badass maker. Way too awesome for Tara.

Oh, good grief, Sookie. It’s a bit too take to start doing right—I mean, you’ve already “done” two vampires, killed someone and ruined your supposed best friend’s life.

“You’re the fucking Angel of Death.” Go on with your bad self, Lafayette.

The height different between Bill and Eric is awfully hilarious whenever there’s a long-shot of the two of them. I think Bill’s standing on a box during the closeups, because the difference is, well, different in the closeups.

Whenever Christopher Meloni comes into a scene, I immediately tune him out. I just can’t…

Okay… so now the mystery is who dug up Russell? Riveting. Oh, wait… *yawn*

I don’t get this whole judge-sherriff’s office storyline. And, honestly, I shouldn’t have to think that much to understand a True Blood plotline. Am I right?

What the what? Lafayette is levitating cars? Huh? I like Lafayette as a character, but he’s bored the hell out of me thus far this season.

The Debbie Pelt storyline did not last this long in the books—and it lasted WAY too long in the books. Why oh why did they decide to develop this into a “thing”?

Sookie even sucks at trying to off herself. Of course. Laura pointed out in the comments that Sookie crashing her car was actually a result of Lafayette’s levitation, not intentional. My bad. (This is what happens when I don’t get to rewatch it before snarkcapping each episode.

We’re in Iraq now?! I mean, I just kind of feel like True Blood isn’t sophisticated to handle an Iraq storyline. In fact, this could make the suckitude just plain offensive. You know what I mean?

Of course Pam sleeps in a coffin lined with pink satin while wearing a pink velour sweatsuit.

Okay, I am a sap… But Eric releasing Pam was kind of touching. Probably my favorite moment from this season. (That’s not saying much, I know.) Those two have the best on-screen chemistry.

Bill’s Euro style little leather jacket—hilarious.

The Biblical metaphors this season are kind of ridiculous. “I am not Job.” Salome. The stigmata-like blood thing. Etc. True Blood should not try to be deep. Just sayin’.

I actually really like Alcide. I mean, Eric is hot as hell, but Alcide definitely holds his own and seems pretty decent. However, he really needs to do something about his lack of a backbone. Sookie treats his like garbage and yet he keeps coming back for more. Which makes me irritable. I really hope that his Magic Mike waxed chest is a temporary situation, though.

{Random, gratuitous Alcide photo—it’s not even from this episode.}

Someone commented that the fangage is way more ridiculous this season and I think that’s accurate. The closeup of Tara’s mouth was super gross.

MacBooks seem to be an important weapon in the Authority arsenal. This is oddly amusing to me.

Less gore, more smut. This is my wish for the rest of this season. They’re heading in the wrong direction.

Oh, good grief, Alcide! YOU ARE TOO GOOD FOR HER!!! Gah.

Also, why no shirtless Alcide in the makeout scene? *sigh*

I adore the tiaras at the fairy club. I used to wear a tiara at work (not at a fairy club, sadly) and everyone thought that was weird. However, it made a lousy day a smidgen magical. I highly recommend this if your job sucks. See? You come here for the snark, but you get career coaching on the side.

Quotations: Stating the Obvious Edition

I ruin people’s lives.

—Sookie

Congratulations, you’re a grandfather.

—Pam to Eric

You guys: Is there any hope for this season? Or is it just destined to be that bad? I never thought it could get worse than the books, but this just might do it.