True Blood Snark-Cap - Episode 5.5: Let's Boot and Rally

I’m not sure I can keep this up all season, you guys. I mean… this season of HBO’s True Blood is just nonsensical. At this point, the Orgy Season seems classy and well-written. 

Anyway, this episode featured masked gunmen shooting at shifters, the continued search for Russell, Sookie yacking on Alcide instead of, you know… Basically, the whole episode felt like a prequel, a setup for… something. And yet, nothing continued to happen. Please, please, please, HBO: I committed to “analyzing” this season and you’ve got to give me something to work worth!

Obviously, the following “analysis” contains spoilers for Sunday’s episode of True Blood. If you haven’t seen it and want to remain free from spoilage, please don’t continue reading. Instead, I suggest checking out my review of Courtney Summers’ fabulous zombie novel, This is Not a Test. If you haven’t added that one to your to-read pile yet, I don’t even know what to say (and that’s a feat). 

Laura suggested I use this screencap to illustrate this season until it gets its act together. This is a suggestion I very much like.

Thoughts & Reaction

• Sigh… “Brief” nudity? Come on, HBO… you can do better than that! Because at this point, that’s all we’re sticking around for. 

• I wish I could remember what TV blog called Bill & Eric’s staking devices “iStakes.” I’m still laughing over that. EW? Paste? I don’t know…

• *yawn*

Oh, no! I just realized that this screencap looks way more indecent that it actually is. Oops.

• Shirtless Alcide, even with his creepazoid waxed chest, should not make anyone vomit. Just sayin’…

• *Curse words!* I keep forgetting about the Terry/Guy from Felicity/Iraq/Firestarter storyline. And then True Blood keeps reminding me about it. 

• Alcide is just too emotionless. Bill and Eric bust in on he and Sookie just as they’re getting ready to get business and he’s just standing there like, “Whatevs…”

• Pam’s hair. So fabulous. I really like it’s increased volume this season. Well done, True Blood stylists, well done. 

Pam’s hair: The highlight of the season.

• I must, must screencap the height difference between Bill and Eric. It’s got to be a foot. And the height difference between Alcide and Bill. Am I being mean for making fun of Bill’s height all the time? It’s just that it seems so variable. 

• Less torture, more shirtless Eric/Alcide.

• *yawn*

• I really, really hate this Iraq storyline. This show does not have the nuanced chops to handle this. 

• Anyway… re, that storyline, thanks to the multiple classes in Middle East literature I took in college, I know that an Ifrit is a creepy magical creature in Islamic literature. That American University education is paying off! I’m surprised they haven’t featured me in the alumni magazine yet. ;)

• I know I rail against all Tara plots, but I may not hate Tara and Jessica as gal pals. 

• Good grief, Sookie! You want to talk to Alcide about the barfing while you’re with a random dude searching for Russell?! 

This is actually from a couple episodes back, but I do think the iStakes are unintentionally hilarious.

• Wait, wait… they’re actually CALLED iStakes?! That’s even better!!!

• *yawn* 

• OMIGOD. The rats. I am going to have effing nightmares. My eyes.

• So Hoyt’s become a straight-up fangbanger? That’s so weird. Also: Purple vests are never a good fashion choice. Ever.

• Okay… so maybe Tara and Jessica can’t be gal pals.

• Whoa, whoa, whoa… the vampire authority bows down to that vial of blood? (It’s Lilith’s, right?)

 Notable Quotables: Do We Even Care? Edition 

Jason: “You know what’s fucked up?”

Frank Sobotka/Sherriff Andy: “Yeah, a whole lot of shit.”

Eric: “New York smells like pee and the people are rude.” 

Sookie: “A 3000-year old vampire wants to suck my blood—must be Thursday!”

Guys… is there any hope for this season? Why am I still watching this crap?