True Blood Snark-Cap - Season Five Finale/Season Wrap-Up

Dear True Blood, 

I’m sorry, but I think we need to break up.

You see, it’s not me—it’s you.

I just wasted an entire summer of Sunday evenings watching and—oh, horror!—recapping the suckfest of your fifth season. All of that for only one awesome thing.

Pam’s hair.

And as fabulous as Pam’s hair is, it’s not enough to carry an entire television show. 

This season, Eric’s character—the most fantastic character in the series-was utterly pointless. All season, Eric was completely flat and—shockingly—entirely dull. 

I’d hoped that we’d get something interesting when Eric and Pam’s backstory was revealed, but that just died. Instead, that story existed wholly to set up Pam becoming a maker and the whole Pam-Tara story.

Inexplicably, we saw Eric and Bill removed from Bontemps, and away from all the Sookie-related tension for more or less the entire season. Without that, neither of these characters make any sense—they’re just there. 

I suspect you chose this path for these characters—and the entire Authority/Lilith storyline—in order to elevate the show beyond the sex and gore we’ve come to know and love. However, neither the writing nor the acting can handle anything remotely sophisticated, so it fell entirely flat and resulted in an absolute snoozefest. 

Really, we’re all watching True Blood for moments like this:

Seriously.

No one cares about Sam and Luna’s shifter problems, or Hoyt’s angst, or Arlene and Terry’s smoke monster problems or even the damn fairy bar. Up until this season, True Blood was a damn fine soap opera. And we liked it that way. 

It appears that next season will pick up right where this season left off, which we all know is entirely unacceptable. Does anyone actually care if Bill is now a gross-ass vampire god thing? I doubt it. The only hanging plot from this season I remotely care about is Pam and Tara’s budding relationship and the question of whether or not Pam can make Tara tolerable. I cannot imagine I’m the only person who feels this way.

Honestly, next season True Blood should get back to its roots, you know… this stuff:

And this stuff:

Except with chest hair—no more of this Magic Mike B.S., thank you very much. 

Until then, HBO, I’m done with True Blood. 

xoxox, 

Sarah