Les Miserables, "Snark Cap" Edition

A few weeks ago, Sarah and I went to see the recent film adaptation of Les Miserables and came away less than impressed.

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Image via College Humor

Apparently, we’re the only ones who feel that way because everyone else on twitter won’t stop talking about how the movie made them feel ALL THE FEELZ.

To top it all off, not only did it win three Golden Globes, it’s also inexplicably been nominated for eight Academy Awards. Has a non-silent movie with no spoken dialogue ever been nominated for that many before????

To alleviate how very miserable (hardy-har-har) the unwarranted hype of Les Miserables has made me, I have generously put together a snark-filled recap for anyone who has not yet seen the movie.

To ratchet up the amusement factor, I strongly suggest reading the provided “dialogue” with a sing-song voice.

Opening Chorus

The fact that this story takes place in France has no relevance!
We all know this is a movie filmed during the 21st century financed by a British production companyyyyyyyyy!
So we will all wear our British and Aussie accents proudly and not bother trying to sound like Frenchiiiiiiiiies! 

[At some sort of prison that involves forcing the inmates to drag an enormous warship in the pouring rain...]

Javert

Valjean spent nineteen years in jail because he stole some bread.
He raised a heavy flag and served his time, but if he breaks parole I'll hunt him down and have his head!

Valjean

My paperwork ID's me as a parolee so no one cares if I am left outside to freeze.
What will become of me? I know, I'll steal from the one person who shows me any sympathy! *steals silver from kindly bishop*

Police

We found this man with your silver trying to flee, but he says "The Bishop gave it to me!"

Bishop

I gave him that silver indeed, now Valjean, also take these candlesticks and try to do good deeds!

[8 years later...]

(Note: The remainder of the snark-cap is confusing because the movie jumps around a lot. Sorry. Just keep calm and sing along!)

Valjean

I changed my identity and am now a mayor and owner of a factory!
I also found some way in the 19th century to make my gross prison teeth white and shiny so it will be hard for anyone to recognize me as that escaped parolee!

Fantine

I work in the factory but no one likes me because I am pretty and they all found out I have an illegitimate baby!
The foreman threw me out on the street and Valjean was not around to protect me!
Now I must sell my hair, teeth and body to send money for my baby!
Woe is me! Life is bad!
I am sad!

[Later that...day? Week...?]

Townspeople

Someone help and hear our cries! A man is trapped and unless someone lifts the cart, he will die!

*Valjean lifts super heavy cart accompanied by inspiring orchestral music*

Javert

I just saw the mayor lift a heavy cart! Only one person has such strong arms and heart! Could it be? Valjean, the parolee?

[Later that...day? Week...?]

"She is clearly not well at all, let me take her to the hospital!"

Javert (to Fantine)

You are not supposed to sell your body, you must come with me!

Valjean

She is clearly not well at all, let me take her to the hospital!

Javert

You look like an escaped parolee, but it couldn't be. "Valjean" has been found and is in custody.

*Valjean runs to courtroom in record time*

Valjean

You have the wrong man in custody! I am Valjean and Valjean is me!

*Valjean runs back to town in record time*

[At the hospital...]

Fantine

I cannot die yet, for who will care for my Cosette?

Valjean

I will care for thine as if she is mine.

Fantine

I've only met you twice, but you totes seem nice.
So even though your inattention is indirectly to blame for my descent into a life of shame,
I trust that you will care for and protect my Cosette despite your unflattering lamb chop mullet.

*coughs* *dies*

Javert

Valjean, I must now take thee into custody.

Les Mis was nominated for a Golden Globe in the Comedy & Musical category instead of Drama thanks to Russell Crowe's singing. 

Valjean

I broke parole and fled, but it was just some bread! Please stop coming for my head! 

*Valjean escapes*

Cosette

Although I drive much of the plot, useful things to do I have not.
I instead spend my time dreaming of a Castle on a Cloud, and how!

*Valjean rescues Cosette from the unscrupulous clutches of Ali G and Bellatrix Lestrange*

[Paris, 9 years later...]

Cosette

I still drive the plot, but useful things to do I still have not.
I need only to shrilly sing backup vocals and look hot.

Marius

*sees Cosette*

Eponine, do you see?
That is the girl for me.
Find out where she lives and I will forever be grateful to thee.

Eponine

Marius doesn't love me.
Maybe I should dress up as a boy revolutionary and he will then notice me!

Marius

*at the back gate of Cosette's house*

To see you only twice is all I need to know that we are meant to be!

*hears police ruckus and runs away*

Les Mis Insta-Love!

Valjean 

*also hearing police ruckus*

Cosette, we must leave.
You are such a vapid sweetie that you never question my history, despite the fact that we have often had to move suddenly!

Cosette

I just need to leave a note for Marius, my insta-love sweetie.

[Inspiring revolutionary barricade building scene, aka the only good part of this movie.]

Revolutionaries 

*noticing that no one has joined them*

Our ideals are all we need!
Screw the rest of Pareee!
We will foolishly die for what we believe!

Javert

I must infiltrate the revolutionaries while still being haunted by the bread-stealing parolee.

*Revolutionaries not fooled by Javert and capture him*

Valjean

I must protect Cosette's insta-love sweetie. It is my duty as a reformed parolee.

*finds Javert in captivity*

Valjean

I will release thee, but please stop coming after me!

Javert

I am crazy and will never stop hunting thee.

*French army marches on barricade and all revolutionaries die except Marius, who is injured and unconscious, but dragged to safety through the sewers by Valjean*

[At sewer exit...]

Javert

Sewage-covered parolee, you must come with me.

Valjean

Put down the gun and let me get Marius to safety!

*After hunting for Valjean for 20 years and finally having him in his clutches, Javert inexplicably lets Valjean go*

[On a building high above the Seine...]

Javert

Realizing that a thief can be kindly creates such a conflict within me. The idea that a convict can be reformed is making me lose my mind, clearly the only solution is to break my spine.

*jumps into Seine accompanied by cringe-inducing spine-cracking sound effect*

[Back at the empty revolutionary headquarters...]

Recovered Marius

All of my peasant friends have died bloodily.
Eponine even took a gunshot and died to save me.
So the best way to honor their memory is go back and live a lavish life with my rich family.
I must also find my insta-love sweetie so we can marry.

Valjean

Please don’t tell Cosette, but I was once convicted of bread theft.
I must flee so you two can live happily.

*Marius and Cosette, having now seen each other three times for a total of 5 minutes, marry, discover from Ali G that Valjean saved Marius’ life in the sewers, and leave their wedding to find him in an enormous empty (besides him in a chair) room in a convent. (It’s very “Michael Corleone dies in Godfather III”, if you ever managed to make it to the end of that movie.)*

Valjean

I have paid all my debts from my past of theft and am ready for death.
I am also desperate to be rid of this horrendous lamb-chop mullet.

*dies*

Poor Anne had to keep her terrible haircut in the afterlife. 

The end.